Ugh. There is nothing more obnoxious than reading a bio on a website. Because who do you think writes those bios? Its even worse when they are written in third person and some douchebag is trying to pretend they are more important than they are. Ugh…talking about yourself is gross and makes me want to vomit. Ok, who am I kidding…I love talking about myself.
I was born and raised in North Miami, FL. From the age of 4 until the age of 24, tennis was pretty much my life. My parents started playing recreational tennis when I was a few years old, and they decided that instead of hiring a baby sitter to watch me at home, they would just bring me to the courts with them. Then, I grabbed a racket, and started playing. Little did they know how competitive their little son would be. I wanted to win as badly as Mel Gibson hated Jews. So when I started playing tournaments, it didn’t take me long to evolve into a junior tennis champion.
By age 14, I won my first national championship. By age 16, I was on the U.S. National team with fellow players Mardy Fish, Taylor Dent, and Andy Roddick. I played Roger Federer at a junior tournament in Italy that year. He beat me in straight sets, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t try.
However, I was 9-1 vs Andy Roddick. And Andy, don’t even try to dispute that…I still have all the junior tennis draws as proof. Granted, you ended up getting to number 1 in the world and marrying a super model, and I’m a struggling comedian, but 9-1!!!!! Take that bitch! And that time you beat me in the Walt Disney World Junior Championships when we were 14…you know you cheated. And I know you still have that giant Mickey Mouse trophy. It was the coolest trophy ever. I think you should send it to me now that you have replaced it with a cooler one- a U.S. Open trophy. Or do you have them right next to each other? I bet you still have that Mickey. And if you do, tweet it, and I promise to walk down Lincoln Road in Miami wearing only a speedo says I <3 Andy. I’ll begrudgingly tweet that picture back to you.
At 17, I decided to go to college instead of turning pro in tennis. Let’s just say my mom had a big influence on that one. Of all the schools that offered me tennis scholarships, I for some reason chose to go to Yale. I heard you can make straight C’s there and still become President. Yale is where I became a man, (i.e. learned about alcohol). Believe it or not, it’s a huge drinking school. There was no other way to get over the academic stress, miserable weather, and the hundreds of horrible wildebeests scouring the campus looking for innocent victims to mate with (Yale girls).
Playing college tennis for Yale was my first stage for comedy. The Ivy League was such a weak tennis conference; I was able to dominate without much effort. (Did I just really use a semi colon? Yup. Pretty much the only thing I learned how to do at Yale.) Because I was a top junior tennis recruit, and the Ivy League rarely got top recruits, I was much better than the competition. Winning was so easy, I started using my matches to entertain my teammates and friends who were watching. Some of my antics included calling where I would serve the ball, imitating my opponents grunts, predicting scores of my matches (out loud and at the beginning of the match), doing the donkey dance after winning points, and trash talking opposing head coaches (Sorry Coach Fish). I even made it a goal of mine to hit every single opponent of mine in the chest with a ball (and I succeeded).
In hindsight, I was a little punk and those weren’t my proudest moments (yes they were). I apologize to everyone I played (no, I don’t). But I did it all because it made my teammates laugh, and that laughter was addictive.
After college, I turned pro and in one of my first tournaments on the tour, at a tournament in Mexico, I herniated a disc in my lower back. It happened while I was hitting a forehand, and it felt like Angelina Jolie jammed one of her adopted babies up my spine. I couldn’t leave the country for 3 weeks because I couldn’t sit upright in a plane seat.
Needless to say, that injury ended my career. After about 6 months of depression and rehab, I auditioned for a Fox reality show called “The Rebel Billionaire” and made the show. I got to travel around the world with Richard Branson for 2 months, and compete in entrepreneurial adventure challenges against 15 other unsuspecting idiots. I say unsuspecting idiots, because there were several near death moments during the show. We had no idea how dangerous it would be. Richard is nuts! However, it was one of the coolest experiences of my life, and it really helped me transition into life after tennis. Being surrounded by a few brilliant entrepreneurs had a profound impact on me, and after the show, I started my pillow company—www.mooshpillow.com.
A few years later, I started doing stand-up. From the very first time I was up on stage, I was as addicted to stand-up as Tiger Woods was to cheating on his wife. I instantly knew comedy was my true calling, and proceeded to work on my style until I developed my comedic voice.
I’ve kept all my sets completely off the internet for a couple of reasons. First, I knew I would eventually do this as a career, so I didn’t want to post mediocre sets. Second, I knew that when I would eventually go public with my material, I was going to do it with a big bang. Hence, my first couple music videos to promote my first comedy album.
I know my comedy isn’t for everyone. If you don’t like it, or are offended by it, go fuck a goat. But in all seriousness…don’t be offended. It is JUST comedy.